Thursday, April 21, 2011

Friendship TERMINATED!

Back in my college days, during my semester in Ireland,  because we weren't being academically challenged and had a ton of free time, we did things like hold Napoleon Dynamite theme dinners, award people with points for witty quips and whenever anything wasn't going well, yell at each other, "Friendship TERMINATED!" Of course it never was. In fact, I'm still in touch with several of those Ireland/college friends today. But I digress . . .

After Tuesday's post about good friends, I thought for the sake of balance, I might as well devote today's  post to fair weather friends. Yeah, you know the type.

Remember Al?
Who couldn't love a face like that?
Oh, Al, our friendly little pine marten friend who liked to show up at our bird feeders on a daily basis this winter to gorge himself on sunflower seeds. He had such a sweet little face. I was charmed by his preference for sunflower seeds over nommy, yummy red squirrel. Our very own vegetarian pine marten.What a pal. And he was CUTE!

As the winter progressed, I began to suspect that Al wasn't a true vegetarian. He was just lazy. Why bother chasing red squirrels when there were oodles of sunflower seeds to be had and a compost pail on the porch to root around in?
Don't worry. You're safe.
But about a month ago we ran out of sunflower seeds and I didn't bother to buy anymore. Spring was coming and the birds could find plenty to eat out in the world beyond our backyard. I was also sick of Al going through the compost pail, only to remember every single time after he'd scattered the contents across the porch that "Oh yeah, I don't like onion skins and lemon peels." The compost pail came back inside.

Al was not pleased. Not one little bit.

In protest, he marched out to the actual compost pile out back and hurled the top layer of compost all over the ground surrounding the pile. As I scooped all the compost back onto the pile, I had to admit, he'd made his point. But his childish behaviors only hardened my resolve. No more sunflower seeds for you, Mr. Lazy-Pants Pine Marten. 

When I went out back a couple days ago to dump out the latest compost pail and found yet another thin layer of compost hurled in a circle outside the bin, I was feeling a little less forgiving about Al's misbehaving. (I know it's you Al, I can see your tracks.) "Enough," I yelled at the skies, shaking my fist in frustration. Spending ten minutes a couple times a week playing with compost just isn't that much fun. 

Then the other day, I headed out to shed to grab some plastic containers to transplant some of my seedlings into. Since the shed wasn't completed last year, Al can, and is apt to, get through the gap between the walls and ceilings. He likes to lick out the recycling stored in there. As I reached in the recycling bin to pull out a yogurt container and I hit instead upon something soft, cold, and smooth. When I pulled my hand out for inspection, I was holding a handful of Al poop. Now I am not a mother and I have yet to be desensitized to the grossness that is poo. Yuck, yuck, yuck!

Don't you get it Al? My seasonal affections for the birds has now been transferred to my little seedlings. Eating my plants' compost is not a good way to endear yourself to me. And pooping in the recycling? Not cool, my friend. Not cool at all.

Friendship TERMINATED!

13 comments:

  1. I'm a die hard dog lover, and the idea of poop still grosses me out.

    Still, you and Al might need to come to some kind of agreement, if not, he'll nag you into feeding him again like a bad date.

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  2. As an attendee of the Napoleon Dynamite dinner and as both the giver and receiver of plenty of "friendship terminated" taunts I believe you have grounds to terminate your friendship with the pine marten. Pooping in the recycling is something that only the most special of friendships can overcome.

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  3. OMG he's so cute!

    I wouldn't terminate the friendship over this...but my pets...the ones I paid good money to ADOPT (you are welcome various rescues, shelters & vets)...do far worse things on a daily basis. I have "OMG he's so cute" goggles when it comes to most beasts of the earth.

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  4. LOL! That grosses this mom out too!! He is a cutie though.

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  5. This cracked me up... Great story! What a pest... You may not be a mom, but he's acting like a kid. :)

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  6. You make even poo sounds hilarious.
    Cutie, watch out....

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  7. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW and hysterical, simultaneously!!

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  8. Ok this is hillarious and sooo well written! Darn you Al, DARN YOU!!! Man oh man, I'm seriously laughing out loud over here. Another well done post my friend.

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  9. No amount of diaper changing can remove the gross-out factor of poo. Not ever.
    This is a very funny post. The picture of his mischevious little face paired with your frustration at his antics really made Al endearing...then maddening. Al needs to learn some manners :)

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  10. As a mom, I learned to deal with poo - mostly in the diaper, sometimes leaking out of the diaper (eww)... but, Ada, you are talking about finding poo in an unexpected place - surprise poo! No one ever gets used to that. Yuck!

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  11. HE IS THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD!

    but cute is totally undone by poop.
    i think that every day when i clean up after the chow chow. but i think dog owners (like moms) grow unaffected to it. but that's because we voluntarily brought a defecating animal into our own lives.

    dammit, al!

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  12. Well you have some very insightful blog readers because I agree wholeheartedly: surprise poo from a naughty pine marten in the recycling is very different from (and decidedly more disgusting than) expected poo from a chubby baby inside a diaper. But that's not my point. My point is: this post is hilarious! Love it!

    You should "accidentally" feed him something super spicy. Bet that'd teach him ;)

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